May 12th, 2008
Current Music: Koffin Kats
I like music, any kind I see fit/worth moving my body too.
I like Raw sounds, Truthful lyrics.
sounds I can crave.
I like learning, sharing, conversing, taking in, helping, Creativity, orgionality, spiritualality.
I like Sex, human relationships, Diversity, Beauty, Intelligince, any kind of art.
I like Independent films.
I like Magizines like Vouge, Elle, and National Geographic.
I like Science, and Cosmotoligy.
I like any Body Mods.
Especially tattoos and Gauges.
I like water.
Swimming, bathing, and drinking.
I like Southern Comfort, and Menthol Cigarettes.
I like partying, and being loud and routy and crazy.
I admire girls that don't get embarassed.
I like girls that are out there.
I like girls that are tough.
I like sexual people, I'm fairly kinky.
and VERY open about my sexuality.
I think Pole dancing and burlesque are arts.
I would like too pursue, aswell as modeling for SuicideGirls.
(my dream since I was 13)
I like Brutal Honesty, Borderline harsh Criticism.
I wish I was school smart.
And that I could understand things like math.
I like Animals, they are beautiful.
I like every peice of Nature.
I like exploring.
I like the ocean.
I miss It alot.
I'm a sucker for routy boys with tons of personality,
good fashion, good food, photography, music (any kind), Page turning books, Sour Candy, Dreadlocks, Nagchampa, fun times.
I like helping other people.
like working with Kids, I have been working a bunch with the special ed kids at My high school lately, I don't mind Donating for a good cause When I can, I am part of my school Environmental Club.
I would make a good mother, just don't want too be anytime soon because I love partying too much.
I don't really want a serious relationship right now aswell, I'm not sure If I'll ever want one.
I'm pretty bipolar about certain things.
dating would be one.
I like Gardens alot.
flowers and plants.
I would like too have an awesome great garden some day.
As well as other aspirations for my life, asides Modeling for,SuicideGirls...
I would like Too be the first in my family too finish high school, I intend too work as a dancer also and save some serious bank, I want too get a house, maybe with a roomate or two.
I would like too eventually go too art school, before hand maybe take some classes at OTC.
I don't particularly want too stay in springfield, but I don't mind it for now.
I want too have atleast one child in the future, I'm not sure I want a "baby's Daddy"
only for finacial help, I don't want anyone else too have influence on my child's develpoment.
I would love Too own my own head shop someday, when i get old move out too CA and retire.
I would love too Travel though,
I want too see Europe.
I would love too go around too all kinds of music Festivals,
I really wish I was less picky.
and that I ate Vegitibles, drank Tea, and beer, could stomach Chocolate, and most other hard alcohol beverages.
In about two weeks I am starting my Summer Job at Taco Bell.
Which I am excited for, I really need money.
too be more independent.
I'd like too have a car by this summer.
If I get finacial help from my grandfather,
I want a Ford Expidition sport, dark blue.
I'd like too move out after my senior year which I know will be very hard.
But I am sure and am dying too gain independence and I know I can do this.
February 24th, 2008
So hard too define"
Lyrics of my favorite song.
but that statement must be true, who really defines who we are?
It seems too me as though You born into it or you work for it.
No matter what there is always somebody too judge you,
but who decided the way things must be seen for?
What the Judging comes within yourself though,
and you yourself feel as if you don't do much right?
and your just not pleased.
I'm not pleased, I think I am letting my priorties jumbled,
My values comprimised.
I simply need too start working hard,
I am the only one who can do things for myself.
I'm VERY frustrated that I get so infatuated easily.
V I N C E N T M O S C O S O
He is making me question what I want.
I mean I know I want him.
But how is he doing this too me?
I used too loath the thought of admitting I like some one,
maybe this is just a phase for me,
It feels sooo good though.
no one ever does.
In other matters of my life,
Drama is resolved (:
haven't been working out much.
Crush on hot FL boy who is returning too be mine mine mine (:
Mrs.Hillmer doesn't let me drop my retched Math Class, that I DON'T Need.
My dreams that I'm good work for i.e-
Graduating, S.G., California, trying too get some modeling job out there? Save, Travel, Music Festivals, maybe settle down and have a boyfriend, Tattoos, My Art, get a pitbull, learning how too work that pole ($$$$$)
Getting through Lib&Law.
But My dreams are over powering the bad right now.
I REALLY want too go out there, get away from here.
I'll miss my friends soo much.
But I'll all be worth it.
so who knows, I'll have too see when i get there.
February 17th, 2008
There's a bit on my mind,
yet not alot of words.
January 23rd, 2008
Current Music: coldplay/Radio head.
I have been listening too ALOT of radio head lately.
I am fucking inlove with it.
I can't explain the feeling that music gives me,
It's beautiful, and sad in a way, yet happy.
I just wanna nap in my bed and listen too it with someone that I really care about.
Haha, I have been weirding myself out alot lately...
I have been missing that closeness or whatever kind of satisfaction you get from a relationship.
I miss it.
anyways, I'm currently listening too coldplay, yeah I know.
but whatever I like it.
It's beautiful, maybe not anything spectacular like how radio head is too me.
but the sound just fits my mood right now.
I don't think I just feel lonely, but somehow I feel alone.
If that makes since.
It's been 18 days since Zach has been gone.
School is getting better,
but It's still all weird not having his glowing presence not amoung the crowded kickapoo hallways..
I miss him alot.
I think about him for a little bit every night.
I know it will get better though,
I wish I could fix everything.
this year is gonna bring so much.
I've been thinking alot lately.
about my life.
I'm so young.
I don't want too layout it out,
and have everything planned..
but I have been having doubts about alot of things.
I'm scared too put in a application for suicide girls,
I don't want too face the rejection I'd feel If they didn't want me.
because that is one of my dreams.
My math class is REALLY hard too me, I feel like I don't understand anything.
not even if it's explained.
but I don't even care about it.
what does my future hold?
I have no idea what I am gonna do with my life.
None of my dreams even sound realistic.
I set myself up for constant dissapointment, we already know this yes...
My current example:
Not any other name sounds better of my tounge.
I hardly even know this boy,
but he has gotten in my head.
I just want too figure him out.
I know ALL life is, is time and expierince but for Vincent I am running out of time.
He is moving away too Flordia like Febuary 4th.
He is really handsome,
and he seems really deep.
I'm not sure what too make out of this.
He say's "we're foolin' ourselves"
Yes, probably true.
But it's only once in a great while, you meet a person worth while.
I think we'll atleast make good friends.
and friends, oh yes the subject of friends.
I have felt kind of distant lately, but oh well...
Hayley and me are getting closer...
I have realized how hard she fell for Claude.
She feels soo crushed,
It kinda makes me remeber how that is the worst feeling in the world.
and then Paige, It seems like she's gone since she moved too Nixa.
I miss her soo much.
I don't ever get too see her, but I have never felt this far apart from her.
she is my bestfriend, and she keeps me going and strong.
I miss her sooo much.
I need her really.
I wish things were simple, I wish I could figure it all out,
part of me doesn't want too and is just living it all up like a should.
I think I'm happy, I just feel alone.
I'm so fine on my own.
but I guess things are just kinda getting too my head.
I shouldn't let them, but whatever.
I actually heard from my old funky crush, Myke Tee,
the one I assumed had lost intrest.
I think i lost intrest, honestly.
he texted me last night
"srry you haven't haeard from me in a while I don't have my comp but I still want your body"
WANT YOUR BODY?
I am foolin myself.
I just need too stop and get my head straight.
I had a anxiety attack today at school.
I'm just not sure where everything is going,
I guess I need too shut up and just go with it.
January 17th, 2008
life was without gravity..
this has become my aspiration aside from Suicide Girls,
I even talked too my parents about taking lessons,
and they are totally cool with it.
I'm am very excited
when people hear pole dancing they assum neon-bikkinis and slutty girls,
throwing dollar bills at them,
Well those girls are talented,
pole dancing is beautiful,
and takes talent
I want too learn so bad,
look at the girls spin that pole like they are weightless,
it's amazing too watch
I want too be a part of that.
I want too commit my self
and practice alot and hard and succede
because I don't have any hobbys or talents and I think If I work hard I can really do this
January 7th, 2008
Current Music: modest mouse
I will never in my life forget you.
You were one of the happiest people I have ever met in my life,
always posi, good vibes all the way.
you were my homeboy.
and it sucks you had too see the end so soon.
I miss you kid, really.
December 28th, 2007
Current Music: 77 Jefferson
fucking HELLA amazing.
My good friend Jason saw them a while back and told me all about them,
but I never got around too checking them out until the other day.
but jahhh tis good music and I can't wait too see them.
December 27th, 2007
Current Music: Roccett
funky boys are grand,
on the other hand life is confusing.
Christmas was good, the new year is approaching.
I have completely given up on Scotty and my potential friendship.
He is too immature, and Hypocritical, and annoying.
on the other hand,
I met this really hot guy at jah roots.
I mean gahhh DAMN he is soo fine.
and he came back too me under slim odds.
okay here is the story-
Me and Nick went down town for Art Walk & Jah Roots,
Me and Sam Doty, My pregnant friend,
at that time was on shady terms with her "babies daddy" (if you will)
we were planning on going too Jah Roots together too hit on hot guys with Dreads,
well she ended up not going so I went with nick.
We stood out front like an hour early so we were one of the first people let in when they started letting people in.
it was cool
So then Enters,
this funky boy.
He walks by Casual says "nice dreads"
and I say "you too"
he walks off.
Not until the end of Jah Roots,
I tell Nick, "take your shirt off and throw it too jah"
so he does.
after there set Speakeasy is getting ready for there set.
Nick's Skinny limbs are naked,
here returns the hot funky guy,
and says "hey man, I saw you throw your shirt, that was really cool, I have two shirts if you need one"
and Nick is like "sure"
the place is loud filled with drunken chatter and music,
we scramble our way through the crowded Remmington's floor near the bathrooms.
The hot funky guys hands me his prized hoodie and says:
Can I trust you too hold this, seriously that is my favorite hoodie, I would be soo sad if you took that, I mean that is your boy, I'm juss trying too help him out, please don't take it.
I would be soo sad"
I'm like I'm okay, I wont.
so him and nick disapear into the bathroom, they return, I'm thinking about how hot this funky kid is, and told nick I wished I would of Danced with him.
Nick is high out of his mind, and just happy and amazed by the fact this hot funky kid gave him a Frat T-shirt
Well Then the funky kid dispears into the crowd and into the night, before speakeasy finishes there second song, me and nick decide too retire for the night.
We go home,
about 16 or so days later my ex Sam tells me on myspace too check out his band,
and sure enough The funky hot guy, or Myke Tee, or Michael Turner is the lead singer and bass player of his band.
and we've been talking and we hung out and I'm definatley getting a crush.
It is lame.
I doubt anything serious will ever happen because Sara + Myke
those names just don't sound that right for eachother.
hahah I am fucking lame.
but yeah this kid has a cool ass personality and I'm glad I have met him.
December 11th, 2007
Current Music: three-6-mafia
It's been a long time since I have lost some one I have truly cared about,
As I am waiting for my phone too ring, I'm thinking.
Today was an odd day.
I started out Actaully VERY wide awake, for some one who got up at 6 am, and went too bed at 2 am.
anyways, My mom was being a HUGE bitch, and she usually is not.
I got too school my day was pretty fun,
In fourth Block Bylander was being a bitch though.
and I've learned I have too censor myself, because If I say the wrong things,
certain people in that class I cannot trust.
I don't need too pour out on too people at school anyways.
But I am slowly becomming better friends with this girl, Alex Howard.
I get home, and I find my pet fish has died.
Well you don't know me that well,
But my pet fish are like, I don't know the beat of my heart, and the stars in my sky.
Jamal Benjiman, he was no ordinary Betta.
He was special.
I guess everyone thinks there fish is special though, well not everyone.
IDK, Scotty never understood it, he was like;
How can you love a fish?
You can't pet it, or walk it, or touch it, it's pointless.
Well I like fishes, because they AREN'T dicks.
They behave, usually (haha)
They are messy, or costly.
you don't have too train them,
There are plenty of reasons too be a fish lover.
But most importantly, okay souns kind of crazy.
but you can talk too them.
watch them pace swim back and fourth there fins like rainbow fans gently stroking the water as they glide through it.
they are beautiful, they are classy.
But so you sit down and you talk too them, and you pour it out too them.
and It's like they listen.
I loved my fish.
Jamal, well he was beautiful.
aurgh, well after I discovered his floating corpse.
(which Nick was with me)
I just started too cry.
I called Paige, she kinda laughed.
But she knows what I mean.
she has a fish too.
Nick kinda just stares at it.
and says "should we flush him, or burry him?"
We decided too burry him.
In a small box, about 1 inch deep, 4 x 4 inches long.
I think the box origninally contained some kind of cheap christmas Jewlery you buy at a Dollar store. The box it's self contained a little thin cotton pad, which I sprinkled some Meal-Wrom Betta food on for him too take too his afterlife. The bow was red, bright red, and covered with a pattern of little green holly leaves, trimmed with gold.
We took the small coffin too the back yard, nick dug a hole about 8 inches wide and 5 or so inches deep.
Nick asked me If I wanted too say something.
I then began a speech about the day I bought him from one of those small plastic cup containers at wal*mart, how he was the smallest one. I mentioed how he died a virgin, and That I hope in his after life he will live on it an ocean, and maybe have alot of fish sex.
I went back inside and cleaned the bowl for my other fish, who is a Betta fish also, a male.
His name is Bad Fish, after the Sublime song.
I kind of put this Death too the back of my mind.
for about an hour.
But I washed out his bowl, and scrubbed it clean and left it sitting on the counter of my bathroom..
When I came in there about an hour later too pee,
And I noticed the empty bowl sitting on the corner of the counter empty and alone.
and As I was peeing,
It hit me.
My fish, Jamal.
He was gone.
He was really gone.
Almost as if he was never there too really begin with.
We're all gonna die someday,
But I'm not sad, just made me start too think about life.
How I am living mine.
Today Nick said "Women are most vulnerable after a funeral, they are thinking about deatand life and pro-creation"
I started thinking more about that,
I was talking too claude on the phone.
and he pretty much told me that he was comming too see me.
It perked my mood, I must say.
but he followed it by; "Then After your house I shall walk too Hayley's."
I didn't know what too say besides "Isn't it cold, for that long of a walk?"
Our conversation quickly ended,
I came too the realization.
Life is life.
and it is the only one you have, as you are now.
make it full and worth something.
live happy, and free.
But is this game, happy? or Free?
It's a game of patience and constant dissapointment.
Which I already know I set myself up for, that's no joke.
But it hit me.
Claude is an AMAZING PLAYER.
He has Hayley, and Me.
He sounds sencere about us, but he just can't seem too find a way too end things with her, too give her up.
And now I am here,
for my phone too ring.
and it's not.
He never came over also, He had too go to the Lexus Dealership.
too settle some things about his car.
that is my day, I guess In a nut shell.
December 10th, 2007
Current Music: Atmosphere
and our lips met.
Well last night was intresting.
He kissed me.
I kissed him,
and he kissed me.
He told me, he wished things would of been differant.
He wished I wouldn't of been with Scotty.
Things would be differant.
He told me his still loves me, and that he always will.
I like him soo much.
but I don't know how things are going too turn out.
anyways I think In my last blog I forgot too mention, I dyed my dreads, they are blonde and pink now.
and I quit my job yesterday.
other than that, life is pretty crazy a good right now.
I've been lsitening too alot of Alicia keys she is amazing.
She really is.